Episode 10. Coaching Children Who Argue
Episode 10. Coaching Children Who Argue
Show Notes
Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. ~ Philippians 2:3-4
Every parent knows the frustration and anxiety that we feel when our children seem to constantly argue. And every parent also knows the difficulty of finding a way to respond that is loving and patient, and also correcting and guiding. Conflict is an inevitable part of this earthly life - the goal is not to make sure our children avoid conflict, but rather to coach them through disagreements with humility, charity, and hope.
In this episode, we take a look at why it's more effective to coach our children through conflict rather than to simply referee their arguments, and offer some practical thoughts on how to do this. You can help your children develop some amazing and powerful life-long skills of reconciliation and communication!
Show Notes
Imagine your children fighting/arguing/screaming from the other room - how do you feel, how do you react?
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. - Proverbs 22:6
This doesn’t mean our kids will never make mistakes as they grow up, but it’s a goal for us parents: what are we training them for?
Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. - Philippians 2:3-4
The goal isn’t kids that never fight. The goal is kids that can handle & resolve conflict for their whole lives.
Dyadic vs. triangulated relationships
Dyadic relationships are healthy, but sometimes challenging - they involve communicating directly with someone, even in the midst of tension.
Triangulated relationships are often unhealthy, but they can be tempting - triangulation happens when someone who is not a part of the actual conflict is brought into the situation.
Lazy Genius episode #216 (listen below): The difference between coaching children and refereeing fights
The Key Question: “Do you guys need my help?”
As a family, we are on the same team; even when we disagree or fight
Coaching is much harder & less convenient than refereeing, but it is so worthwhile
Coaching takes “affect tolerance”, sitting with the discomfort & leading children through it rather than avoiding the discomfort in any variety of ways
This happens in any setting with conflict: at home, at work, with our family of origin, volunteering at church… In all of these situations, the people involved are on the same team.
Challenge By Choice
Try using the phrase “Do you guys need my help?” the next time your children are arguing or fighting.
How do they respond to it?
What do you notice in yourself when you use this approach?