Show Notes

Episode 106. How to Forgive Someone Who Never Apologizes

Episode 106. How to Forgive Someone Who Never Apologizes

"Someone owes you something, is indebted to you, and you let go of that debt. It's like it's written on an IOU, and you're tearing it up and throwing it to the wind." ~ Kenna Millea

  • What does real forgiveness actually require, and why isn't "forgive and forget" a Christian idea at all?

  • Why does it bother you so much more when your spouse or your kid does the exact thing you secretly do too?

  • Is it even possible to forgive someone who never asks for it, or who's no longer in your life to ask?

In episode 106 of This Whole Life, Pat and Kenna Millea break down forgiveness, starting with a surprising fact: nowhere in the Gospels does anyone ever ask Jesus for forgiveness point-blank, and yet he forgives constantly. That single detail unlocks the idea at the center of this episode, unilateral forgiveness, the practice of forgiving before someone asks, apologizes, or even realizes they hurt you.

They start with a simple, clarifying definition of forgiveness as canceling a debt, not forgetting it ever happened, then work through what scripture and C.S. Lewis have to say about why forgiveness might be the most disobeyed commandment in Christianity. Kenna introduces a concept from her spiritual director called empathetic repentance, the idea that what actually costs you your peace isn't what the other person did, it's the seed of that same thing already in you.

They close with a real answer to one of the hardest versions of this question: how do you forgive someone who's died, or someone you're no longer in contact with, when you'll never get to tell them?

This episode is for anyone still waiting on an apology that may never come, or anyone who's realized that holding out for one is quietly costing them their own peace.

Show Notes

  • Download Larry Christensen’s full sermon on Unilateral Forgiveness

  • “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

    • Matthew 6:14-15

  • “But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair” (“Be My Escape” by Relient K)

  • “You do not lose your peace over someone else’s sin, but only your own.” - Larry Christensen

  • “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

    • The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis

  • “I said in a previous chapter that chastity was the most unpopular of the Christian virtues. But I am not sure I was right. I believe there is one even more unpopular. It is laid down in the Christian rule, ‘Thou shalt love they neighbour as thyself.’ Because in Christian morals ‘thy neighbour’ includes ‘thy enemy’, and so we come up against this terrible duty of forgiving our enemies.”

    • Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis

  • Empathetic repentance is inviting God to come into our lives and to judge the very deplorable things that we see in the life of the other.

  • Unilateral forgiveness means forgiving even if the person never apologizes or can’t apologize

Challenge By Choice

Bring any unforgiveness to prayer

  • If you’re aware of a place of unforgiveness in you, bring that to prayer. 

  • If you’re not aware, bring that to prayer:

    • Is there something I need to forgive?

    • Is there something I need to ask forgiveness for?

Reflection Questions

For personal reflection or group discussion

  1. What is one specific thing that stuck with you from this conversation?

  2. What is something that you have a hard time forgiving?

  3. How are you struck by the idea of unilateral forgiveness? Does it sound radical, beautiful, difficult, or scary?

  4. When have you had a healing experience of forgiveness, either in forgiving others or being forgiven by others?

  5. Is there someone that you are harboring a grudge or unforgiveness toward? What would be the first step in forgiving them?