Show Notes

Episode 109. I’m Married to a Marriage Therapist: Here’s What I’ve Learned

Episode 109. I’m Married to a Marriage Therapist: Here’s What I’ve Learned

"There is always, always hope in any marriage, and I mean any marriage."
~ Pat Millea

  • Is it actually okay for a Catholic couple, even ones who work in mental health, to go to marriage counseling?

  • Why might your spouse asking to talk about feelings not be a criticism of who you are?

  • Does having a sacramental marriage, or being married to a therapist, guarantee a happy relationship?

In episode 109 of This Whole Life, Pat Millea flies solo (Kenna's swamped with back to school season) to share seven honest lessons he's learned from being married to a licensed marriage and family therapist. He opens by naming the assumption listeners might be making, that their marriage is easy because of what they do for a living, and admits there were genuinely difficult years in their relationship, including the moment Kenna first asked him to go to marriage counseling, which felt to him like being punched in the face.

From there, Pat walks through what he's learned since: that going to therapy is not a sign of failure, how naming an unspoken parent-child dynamic in their marriage changed how they related to each other, why learning to identify and voice his own emotions took years of practice, and how a simple, almost corny script helped them break out of a painful conflict cycle they'd repeated for years.

He closes with two of the most important lessons: that neither the sacrament of marriage nor a degree in therapy automatically produces a great relationship, since every marriage takes real, ongoing work, and that no marriage, no matter how far gone it feels, is beyond hope.

This episode is for anyone who has ever assumed marriage should get easier once you know what you're doing, or anyone quietly wondering if going to counseling means something is wrong with them.

Show Notes

  • It’s ok to go to therapy

    • Incredibly helpful and healthy for both of us individually and for our marriage

  • The Parent/Child dynamic (or Teacher/Student) dynamic is real and it’s unhelpful

    • “You’re a therapist, but you’re not MY therapist!”

    • This was one of the great reliefs/benefits of going to therapy ourselves, breaking this dynamic

  • Emotional attunement, communication & will/agency

    • Feelings Wheel, “no bad feelings,” saying what I’m feeling

    • No one can read minds, and we shouldn’t expect our spouse to

  • The EFT dance/demon dialogues

    • Identifying the deadly ruts that we’ve gotten into and making intentional efforts to break out of them

    • “I know that I usually ______, but I want to be close to you so I’m not going to do that. Instead I’m going to ______________.”

  • The Sacrament of Marriage isn’t magic; neither is becoming a mental health professional

    • The goal isn’t to simply not get divorced

    • This is hard freaking work, and there’s no secret way to avoid that work

  • Being Catholic does NOT automatically lead to a loving, deep, happy marriage

    • The Church has the fullness of truth and knows more about the meaning and beauty of marriage than anyone/anything else in human history

    • AND we Catholics/Christians are fallen human beings; we’re sinners who are trying to live out family life with other sinners

    • Our humanity is the thing that creates division between spouses, but it’s also the very thing that gives the opportunity for forgiveness, reconciliation, renewal, and joy in marriage

  • THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!

    • Both Kenna and I have had moments where we wondered if this marriage would ever be loving deeply connected

    • Our faith and Kenna’s training didn’t magically make our marriage strong; if that didn’t do it, what could?

      • No couple is too far gone

      • “Grace builds on nature,” and God has ALWAYS rewarded our humble efforts with His mercy and power

Challenge By Choice

Which of these 7 lessons feels most important for you to learn (or be reminded of)?

  • Identify and acknowledge that this is an area of growth for your marriage

  • Most importantly: talk about it with your spouse!

Reflection Questions

For personal reflection or group discussion

  1. What is one specific thing that stuck with you from this conversation?

  2. Which of these 7 Lessons is staying with you? Why is this one so impactful?

  3. What misconceptions did you have entering into marriage? How have those misconceptions showed up over the years?

  4. What is one rut or bad habit that you’ve gotten into in your marriage? How might you break out of it?

  5. What is one internal thing that you need to be more honest & vulnerable about with your spouse? (Feelings, challenges, hopes, etc.)