Show Notes

Episode 111. Understanding the States of Grief Through Faith

Episode 111. Understanding the States of Grief Through Faith

"He's the perfect image of grief, in the sense of accepting, embracing, expressing the emotional sadness, and also having full trust and hope in the resurrection."
~ Pat Millea

  • Why do grief "stages" set people up to feel like they're doing it wrong

  • Is it okay to be angry with God after a loss?

  • What does Jesus losing himself in grief at Lazarus's tomb teach us about grieving well?

In this episode of This Whole Life, Pat and Kenna Millea talk about what it means to grieve and how to grieve well. They start by naming grief for what it actually is: both an emotional and physical response to loss, whether that loss is big or small, sudden or anticipated, a person, a relationship, or a season of life.

Kenna pushes back on the popular idea of fixed "stages" of grief, offering instead what she calls states of grief, not a staircase that only moves one direction, but a spiral staircase that circles back around. Pat and Kenna also open up about their own experiences of loss, including Kenna's reflections on A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis and what it taught her about grieving with faith instead of around it.

The conversation turns honest about anger, including anger at God, and why that anger and real hope in the resurrection are not mutually exclusive. Pat points to Jesus weeping at the tomb of Lazarus, even knowing he was about to raise him from the dead, as the model for what it looks like to hold both grief and hope at the same time.

This episode is for anyone who has grieved a person, a relationship, or a season of life, and wondered if they were doing it right.

Show Notes

  • Our definition of self-care: Seeking out the renewal, recreation, and refreshment I need in order to return to my duties with greater love, freedom, and generosity.

  • The apostles gathered together with Jesus and reported all they had done and taught. He said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a deserted place and rest a while.” People were coming and going in great numbers, and they had no opportunity even to eat. So they went off in the boat by themselves to a deserted place.

    • Mark 6:30-32

  • Elijah was afraid and fled for his life, going to Beer-sheba of Judah. He left his servant there and went a day’s journey into the wilderness, until he came to a solitary broom tree and sat beneath it. He prayed for death: “Enough, LORD! Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors.” He lay down and fell asleep under the solitary broom tree, but suddenly a messenger touched him and said, “Get up and eat!” He looked and there at his head was a hearth cake and a jug of water. After he ate and drank, he lay down again, but the angel of the LORD came back a second time, touched him, and said, “Get up and eat or the journey will be too much for you!” He got up, ate, and drank; then strengthened by that food, he walked forty days and forty nights to the mountain of God, Horeb.

    • 1 Kings 19:3-8

  • Just because we enjoy something doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily self-care. It’s also ok to enjoy things for their own sake and to be honest about that, not justifying them by labeling them as “self-care.”

Challenge By Choice

Take time to reflect on your relationship with self-care

  • Are my self-care habits really helping me be renewed and return to my duties with greater love, joy, and freedom?

  • Do I need to relate to self-care in a different way?

  • Do I need more or less time with self-care? Do I need different types of self-care?

  • How can I help the important people in my life care for themselves in healthy ways?

Reflection Questions

For personal reflection or group discussion

  1. What is one specific thing that stuck with you from this conversation?

  2. If there’s a spectrum of self-care from “selfish and self-indulgent” to “necessary and good,” what do you believe self-care is? Why do you think that?

  3. When you rest or do something recreational, do you feel guilty? If so, what do you believe is fueling that guilt?

  4. What are the most valuable forms of self-care for you? How do they help you return to your duties with greater love and joy?

  5. What is one way that you can relate to self-care in a healthier way? Does it involve doing more or less self-care?