Episode 14. Defeating Defensiveness

Episode 14. Defeating Defensiveness

Show Notes

Those who conceal their sins do not prosper, but those who confess and forsake them obtain mercy.
~ Proverbs 28:13

Humans seek connection, and sometimes that connection leads to conflict.  What happens when that conflict doesn't lead to greater understanding and acceptance, but rather defensiveness and rejection?  Conflict can make our walls go up, we're stuck in a dilemma: trying to protect ourselves and missing out on the relationship all the while.

In this first episode on Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, we define defensiveness and the sneaky ways it presents in our communication.  More importantly, we explore defensiveness's antidote and talk about how to live in greater humility and authenticity, as well as intimacy.

Join the conversation and get ready for your relationship to steadily grow & thrive!

Show Notes

  • The Gottman Institute, Dr. John Gottman’s research institute for marriages & relationships

  • More details on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

  • And the corresponding antidotes to the Four Horsemen

  • The antidote to Defensiveness is accepting your partner's perspective and

    offering an apology for any wrongdoing.

    • The willingness to eat even one crumb of the “blame pie” helps to overcome defensiveness.

  • Defensiveness can show up in marriages, relationships, parenting, friendships, etc.

  • Two crucial spiritual virtues to combat defensiveness are humility and contrition.

  • Now one of the criminals hanging there reviled Jesus, saying, “Are you not the Messiah? Save yourself and us.” The other, however, rebuking him, said in reply, “Have you no fear of God, for you are subject to the same condemnation? And indeed, we have been condemned justly, for the sentence we received corresponds to our crimes, but this man has done nothing criminal.” Then he said, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” He replied to him, “Amen, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.”

    • Luke 23:39-43

A helpful video describing Gottman’s Four Horsemen for relationships

Challenge By Choice

Practice eating part of the “blame pie” and accepting responsibility.

  • The next time your spouse or partner makes a complaint or a request for change, how can you acknowledge the part that you played and apologize?