Episode 18. Tearing Down Walls & Building A Connected Marriage
Episode 18. Tearing Down Walls & Building A Connected Marriage
Show Notes
"...but speaking the truth in love, we must grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ..."
~ Ephesians 4:15
We return to Dr. John Gottman's "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" for marriages with a conversation about Stonewalling. In the course of every marriage, there are times that our emotions feel overwhelming. One response to that experience can be to shut down, disengage, and cut off communication from our spouse - this is what Gottmann calls "stonewalling," and it can be very damaging for a loving marriage.
In this episode, we take a moment to define and describe stonewalling, the ways that it negatively impacts a marriage, and (most importantly) the antidote to overcome stonewalling and to restore healthy communication into marriage. Whether you've been married for one year or 50 years, these are skills that can help you and your spouse to become "masters of marriage"!
Show Notes
More information from the Gottman Institute about Stonewalling
The young man said to him, “All of these I have observed. What do I still lack?” Jesus said to him, “If you wish to be perfect,* go, sell what you have and give to [the] poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” When the young man heard this statement, he went away sad, for he had many possessions.
Matthew 19:20-22
As a result of this, many of his disciples returned to their former way of life and no longer accompanied him. Jesus then said to the Twelve, “Do you also want to leave?” Simon Peter answered him, “Master, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and are convinced that you are the Holy One of God.”
John 6:66-69
The antidote to Stonewalling: Physiological Self-Soothing
Communicating with your spouse that you need a break from the conversation or conflict
Taking time to check in with your body & emotions, take deep breaths, and do something that helps your mind & heart rate to settle down
Returning to your spouse prepared to re-engage and communicate in healthy & partnered ways
Dr. John Gottman’s description of Stonewalling begins at 0:55
An introduction to the comedy of Nate Bargatze!
Visit natebargatze.com for more of Nate’s work,
and check out his comedy specials on Prime Video & Netflix
Challenge By Choice
Reflect on 5 techniques for healthy self-soothing
Identity 5 practices that will help you self-soothe and not stonewall in your marriage
Put them on post-it notes around the house where you’ll be reminded of them easily
When you’re feeling overwhelmed and tempted to stonewall, pick one of these techniques to help regulate your emotions and return to your spouse ready to communicate in love