Show Notes

Episode 31. Let Them Struggle: Enabling & Overfunctioning

Episode 31. Let Them Struggle: Enabling & Overfunctioning

"We should strive to keep our hearts open to the sufferings and wretchedness of other people, and pray continually that God may grant us that spirit of compassion which is truly the spirit of God."

~ St. Vincent de Paul

➡️"Snowplow" parenting, friendship, or marriage
➡️Trying to fix other people's problems
➡️Over-functioning

We care so deeply for our loved ones, and it pains us to watch them struggle and suffer. Sometimes it is good and necessary to help alleviate their suffering. But all of us are tempted to cross the line into interfering in others' lives in order to assuage our own discomfort. But where is the line, and how is over-functioning harmful to people and relationships?

Using real-life examples and their unique perspectives as therapist, minister, and parents, Kenna and Pat discuss the dangers of "snowplowing" and the impact it can have on personal growth and relationships. They also reflect on the profound suffering endured by Jesus and his mother, and how their example can guide us in supporting our loved ones in the midst of their own struggles. Join us as we explore together the beautiful opportunity to sit with our loved ones in their hardship and, at the same time, offer them the gift of growth and resilience.

Show Notes

  • Enabling / overfunctioning / snowplowing is trying to save another person from struggle or suffering because of the discomfort that it causes me

    • Contrast this with true charity and self-gift, which seeks the good of another merely for their sake, not my own

  • Peter over-functioning in response to Jesus’ prediction of the Passion:

    • From that time on, Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer greatly from the elders, the chief priests, and the scribes, and be killed and on the third day be raised. Then Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, “God forbid, Lord! No such thing shall ever happen to you.” He turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are an obstacle to me. You are thinking not as God does, but as human beings do.”

      • Matthew 16:21-23

  • Mary as the perfect example of empathy and compassion in the face of her son’s suffering, but not over-functioning or snowplowing

    • Whereas Peter tried to stop Jesus from fulfilling his mission of redemption, Mary stayed with Jesus to the end but did not interfere with his hardship and pain

  • The value of the STOP skill from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

    • Stop and pay attention to how you’re feeling about the situation

    • Do I have a desire to help this person for their good, or to assuage my own discomfort?

The scene from Remember The Titans referenced in the episode 👆🏻🏈

Challenge By Choice

STOP in the face of others’ struggles

  • When I’m tempted to take action on behalf of another & interfere, I need to STOP and check in with myself

  • What is the best thing for the person that I love in this situation? Is it walk with them in their hardship but to allow them the chance to struggle and grow in resilience & strength?