Episode 7. Managing Family Relationships

Episode 7. Managing Family Relationships

Show Notes

As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. 

~ Catechism of the Catholic Church §2217

Families - the ones we’re born into and the ones that we create - are full of beauty, joy, thanksgiving, worship, and purpose. But they can also be marked with exhaustion, hardship, disappointment, challenging relationships, and unrealistic expectations. How do we navigate difficult family relationships in a healthy way, especially during a time of the year that brings so much inherent pressure and difficulty?

Fr. Nathan joins Pat & Kenna for this conversation about how to faithfully manage the sometimes competing values of family life. How can we honor our mother and father when we are adults ourselves, and honor our family of origin while prioritizing our family of creation? How do we have intentional & honest conversations to prepare for times of intensity before they’re upon us? How can we avoid the landmines that might have plagued us for years?

We’re confident that this is an episode that will speak to people of all ages and stages as we seek to be connected to God and our family members during the upcoming holy days, or during any season.

Show Notes

  • Couples and individuals come to therapy seeking help with difficult family relationships, especially after the holiday season.

  • Talking about difficulties with our Families of Origin can feel like we’re betraying people who have sacrificed for us and who love us so much.  They have and they do!  It’s true.  AND there is no perfect family.  There are a lot of joyful and healthy families out there.  One of the marks of a healthy family is that they acknowledge their imperfection.

  • Everyone idealizes their parents…until we don’t.

  • Can we be honest that many of us carry baggage into our relationships with our Families of Creation?  Unless we have done some intentional work around healing those wounds, we have baggage. 

  • Relationship Math: old hurts and wounds, and sometimes traumas, leave us with a baseline of “4” out of 10 on the stress scale. So when a family member does something that’s a “2”...it feels like a “6” and we react like it’s a “6”

  • Terminology: Family of Origin (the family you were raised in) and Family of Creation (the family you are raising)

  • But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, no human being must separate.” (Mark 10:7, cf. Gen. 2:24)

  • Boundaries

    • BOTH/AND: Love & Truth AND Honesty in difficult situations

      • Brene Brown: “Clear is kind!”

    • “It is good for a man to leave his mother & father and cleave to his wife.”

      • As a new family is created we have to reexamine how we relate to our family of origin

      • “You have to divorce your parents before you can truly be married to your spouse.”

        • Father Nathan: There is only one person you are sacramentally bound to.  

    • We honor our parents when we tell them the truth out of love for them, even if it means we don’t obey them. And it can be dishonoring to our parents to silently obey them without being honest with them about our feelings; creating resentment & threatening our love for them.

    • Therefore, putting away falsehood, speak the truth, each one to his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun set on your anger, and do not leave room for the devil. - Ephesians 4:25-27

  • Analogy of cake & the pantry

    • Our responsibility is to do the best we can with the ingredients we’re given, and that’s all that we can expect from others as well

  • Getting the Family of Creation’s values and needs organized before integrating into the Family of Origin: 

    • Discuss with our spouses what each of your needs and desires are, and make a plan to share those with parents/in laws: decide who is going to have the conversation and be the “point person” for this subject as well as being unified on the issue at hand.  

    • Best outcomes result from us being courageous and initiating the conversation.  If there is something we want, we have the responsibility and the right to voice it.  They can say yes/no.  Our job is to bring it to the fence post in a clear way.  

    • The same religious/political argument that you always get into

      • “I love you even though we might never agree about this. I’m happy to talk about it if we both think it’ll help us be closer, but I don't want to let an issue or life choice come between us.

  • It is both WHAT you say and HOW you say: content & process

    • WHAT: make clear, objective, behavioral statements/requests: “Would it be ok to have dinner at 6:30pm this year so we can get to Mass and have time to help with dinner when we get back?”  as opposed to: “You guys are always being the martyrs–fixing dinner while we’re at Mass and I told you we were going to Mass.  I guess if you wanted our help you’d push back dinner.”  

    • HOW:  do not engage the conversation if you are having upset feelings.  Chances are high that you’ll bring contempt and criticism into the conversation.  Wait until you have calmed down–that may take a couple days even–until you engage.  

  • Other key phrases:

    • “I believe that we can be close even though we’re different.”

    • “I can respect the fact that you _________________. Can you respect the fact that I ________________?”

Trailer for The Bear, Pat’s TV-related high for the episode

Challenge By Choice

Have a conversation about your hopes & expectations for the upcoming holidays.

  • If you’re married, have this conversation with your spouse before entering into time with your Families of Origin.

    • How are you being called to honor your mother & father while giving priority to your Family of Creation?

  • If you’re not married, take these hopes & expectations to prayer and ask the Lord what He desires for your time with family & loved ones.

    • How are you being called to follow God’s call for your life, including the ways that your values or habits differ from your Family of Origin?