Show Notes
Episode 74. Stuck in the Middle: Triangulation (Relationship Roundtable)
Episode 74. Stuck in the Middle: Triangulation (Relationship Roundtable)
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone."
~ Matthew 18:15
Why do I get caught in the middle of arguments in my family?
Why is it so tempting to bring someone else into a tense situation?
How do I break the cycle of being brought into triangles among my family & friends?
In Episode 74 of This Whole Life, Kenna Millea welcomes Ben Baker, LMFT and Addy Diaz for a lively Relationship Roundtable all about “triangulation”—that sneaky dynamic that can pop up in families, friendships, and work relationships alike. The team breaks down what triangulation actually is (spoiler: it’s more common—and human—than you think), how to spot it in real life, and why we’re all tempted to avoid tension by pulling in a third person, habit, or even technology. With honest stories, practical metaphors (think wobbly tables and silent dinners), and plenty of humor, they explore how triangles can sometimes stabilize a relationship—but also block the deeper connection we’re really seeking. Tune in for relatable insights, gentle challenges, and actionable tips on how to recognize, understand, and break out of unhealthy triangles for healthier, more authentic relationships.
Show Notes
Triangulation takes place when two people in an emotional dynamic don’t have the skills themselves to manage the tension of the situation, so they draw in a third person or an object (a substance, a habit, a device, etc.) to distribute and manage the tension.
A two-legged stool falls over. A three-legged stool can distribute the weight and stand.
Triangles are stabilizing, even when they’re unhealthy, unhelpful, or manipulative.
Couples who are entering the empty nest stage often struggle in their connection because the third corner of the triangle (the child & their activities) has been taken away.
For example: In couples where alcoholism is present, the divorce rate is higher after recovery than before recovery.
The couple eating dinner and both staring at their phones is caught in a triangle.
Often, the root of triangulation is the discomfort of emotional closeness with this person.
Triangles are not always a bad thing! They can be very helpful and healthy at times. A triangle is a good thing when it brings us into deeper communion with the person involved.
Doing an activity, going on a drive with a child, or sitting around a bonfire to have a challenging conversation.
Getting out of a triangle by turning toward the second person, even in the tension.
Communicating directly with them, in new ways if necessary.
Challenge By Choice
Getting out of a triangle
What relationship in your life could benefit from some “triangle analysis”? Where are you using a third person or thing to disperse the tension of your emotions or vulnerability?
Make intentional moves to risk vulnerability and even instability to create greater connection with that person.
Communicating directly with the other person instead of bringing in someone or something else.
Reflection Questions
For personal reflection or group discussion
What is one specific thing that stuck with you from this conversation?
When have you been brought into a triangle? When have you triangulated someone or something else?
How does it feel when you've been dragged into a triangle? Why does it feel that way?
Why are triangles so stabilizing? When are they healthy and unhealthy?
When are you most tempted to triangulate others? How can you get out of triangles when they happen?