Show Notes

Episode 83. Holy Sex part 2: Arousal & Openness

Episode 83. Holy Sex part 2: Arousal & Openness

"I belong to my lover, and my lover belongs to me; he feeds among the lilies."
~ Song of Solomon 6:3

Why isn't my sex life going the way I hoped it would?
How do I talk to my spouse about sex after we've gotten into ruts?
Is it possible to have more sex and better sex in our marriage?

In Episode 82 of This Whole Life, Kenna is joined by Vonda Tiede, LMFT and Daniel Merboth to kick off a powerful three-part series on “Holy Sex” in marriage. Together, they dig deep into the “good news” about sex from a faith-filled, psychologically-informed perspective. Through candid conversations, the trio explores the prevalent myths and cultural lies surrounding sex, the harms of "obligation sex", and the importance of mutuality, communication, and healing within intimacy. They highlight how a couple’s sexual relationship reflects God’s creative genius and the need for curiosity and grace—not shame or rigid expectations. With personal stories, practical insights, and a compassionate challenge for listeners to reimagine intimacy, this episode offers hope, encouragement, and a fresh perspective on cultivating joy and connection in marriage. Whether you’re newly married, have been married for years, or want to better support holy marriages, this episode invites you to approach sexuality as a sacred gift of love.

Vonda Tiede is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice in Minnesota. Vonda lives outside the Twin Cities of Minnesota with her husband, and together they have 6 children.

Daniel Merboth is currently pursuing a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy degree at the University of Wisconsin-Stout. Daniel lives in Minnesota with his wife and two children.

Show Notes

  • The things that block arousal are typically sensitive (related to the senses)

  • But sometimes the things that block arousal are deeper issues that need to be addressed, like sexual violence, a diminished sense of self, difficult sexual experiences or history, etc.

  • One helpful way of understanding arousal & sexual response is the Dual Control Model

    • The metaphor of a car is useful to understand the Dual Control Model: the brakes are the things that inhibit our arousal, and the gas pedal are the things that sexually excite or arouse us - both externally & internally

    • It’s common for women to have more sensitive “brakes”

  • It’s often unfair to put my own arousal entirely on the other person: expecting them to take my mind off the to-do list, etc.

  • When it comes to arousal, some people take off like airplanes and other people take off like rockets

    • There are gender “norms” in styles of arousal (men are more often rockets, women are more often airplanes) but there are certainly no rules in gendered styles of arousal

Challenge By Choice

Have two courageous and crucial conversations about sex:

  • Have a conversation with the Lord: what do you desire for your sexual relationship with your spouse? Get beyond simply the unitive and procreative purposes, get to the bigger picture of your hopes, dreams, desires, and intentions.

  • Then move to a conversation with your spouse about these things, being as authentic, courageous, and specific as possible

Reflection Questions

For personal reflection or group discussion

  1. What is one specific thing that stuck with you from this conversation?

  2. When and how did you learn to communicate about sex? What were you taught about conversations involving sex?

  3. What falsehoods and obstacles keep spouses from being joyfully connected in their sex life?

  4. What "great news" about sex did you draw from this episode?

  5. How can you move toward greater connection and closeness in your emotional and sexual relationships with your spouse?