Show Notes

Episode 83. Holy Sex part 2: Arousal & Openness

Episode 83. Holy Sex part 2: Arousal & Openness

"Love should be seen as something which in a sense never ‘is’ but is always only ‘becoming’, and what it becomes depends up on the contribution of both persons and the depth of their commitment.”
~ Karol Wojtyła

Why doesn't arousal come as easily as we expected?
How do we make opportunities for intimacy when life is so busy?
How can I have honest conversations with my spouse about arousal and our sex life?

In Episode 83 of This Whole Life, Pat & Kenna are joined by guest Trisha McKeever, LMFT for Part 2 of the "Holy Sex" series, focusing on arousal within marriage. With honesty, humor, and vulnerability, they explore the real-life intricacies of intimacy, including the challenges of noticing, naming, and cultivating arousal amidst the busyness of family life. The conversation breaks down common myths around arousal, embracing the idea that self-awareness and willingness play key roles in developing a healthy sexual relationship. Drawing from clinical practice and Christian principles, they discuss practical steps couples can take to recognize and communicate their needs, address internal and external “blocks,” and honor each other’s differences — whether you’re a “rocket” or an “airplane.” Tune in for relatable stories, expert insights, and actionable advice that will encourage couples to integrate faith, emotional awareness, and authentic connection in the bedroom and beyond.

Trisha McKeever is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Minnesota and has been in private practice for 10 years. She is passionate about incorporating her own Christian beliefs and her perspective as a believer into the healing work that she does with her clients. Trisha also brings the wisdom of 19 years of marriage, and she is the mother of three children.

Show Notes

  • There’s not necessarily a “pattern of arousal” for each person. Everyone has a somewhat typical arousal style, but moments of arousal can vary widely from one day to the next.

  • Arousal can be defined as noticing physical & emotional sensations of longing to be emotionally close to my spouse, physically close to them, and to connect sexually.

  • “We have defined love as an ambition to ensure the true good of another person, and consequently as the antithesis of egoism. Since in marriage a man and a woman are associated sexually as well as in other respects the good must be sought in this area too. From the point of view of another person, from the altruistic standpoint, it is necessary to insist that intercourse must not serve merely as a means of allowing sexual excitement to reach its climax in one of the partners, i.e. the man alone, but that climax must be reached in harmony, not at the expense of one partner, but with both partners fully involved.”

    • Karol Wojtyla (St. John Paul II), Love and Responsibility, p. 272

  • The things that block arousal are typically sensitive (related to the senses)

  • But sometimes the things that block arousal are deeper issues that need to be addressed, like sexual violence, a diminished sense of self, difficult sexual experiences or history, etc.

  • One helpful way of understanding arousal & sexual response is the Dual Control Model

    • The metaphor of a car is useful to understand the Dual Control Model: the brakes are the things that inhibit our arousal, and the gas pedal are the things that sexually excite or arouse us - both externally & internally

    • It’s common for women to have more sensitive “brakes”

  • It’s often unfair to put my own arousal entirely on the other person: expecting them to take my mind off the to-do list, etc.

  • When it comes to arousal, some people take off like airplanes and other people take off like rockets

    • There are gender “norms” in styles of arousal (men are more often rockets, women are more often airplanes) but there are certainly no rules in gendered styles of arousal

  • Helpful worksheets are available on Dr. Emily Nagoski’s website

Challenge By Choice

What is your view of God and how does it affect your view of sex?

  • What is my view of the God who created my body? The God who created sexuality? The God who created marriage?

    • Notice where there's any tension or some disembodiment, and let that part of the reality float away. “I'm just not going to think about God in that way.”

  • Identify any blocks or brakes that you might be most susceptible to in your experience with arousal, and talk about those with your spouse.

Reflection Questions

For personal reflection or group discussion

  1. What is one specific thing that stuck with you from this conversation?

  2. How do you define “arousal” in the context of your own marriage or relationship?

  3. What are some “blocks” or “brakes” that you have experienced in your sexual relationship? How might you begin to address them?

  4. Can you think of a time when a small “yes” led to greater intimacy or connection in your relationship?

  5. How can you make a choice for greater honesty & openness about sex with your spouse?