Show Notes

Episode 40. Crushing Criticism

Episode 40. Crushing Criticism

"My friends, if anyone is detected in a transgression, you who have received the Spirit should restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness. Take care that you yourselves are not tempted."
~ Galatians 6:1

Why is it so tempting to speak harshly to the people that we love most in the world? How do we overcome this habit and speak with the gentleness that comes from the Holy Spirit?

In this final installment of their four-part series on Dr. John Gottman's 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse for relationships, Kenna and Pat discuss Criticism. They delve into the importance of clear behavioral requests, replacing criticism with positive interactions, and the concept of a "gentle startup" as the antidote to criticism in relationships & marriages. Drawing from their own experiences, they emphasize the detrimental effects of criticism on emotional connection and vulnerability. This episode offers an insightful and heartfelt exploration of emotional connection, personal growth, and the impact of communication dynamics in relationships - not to mention a heated discussion about popular musicians.

Join Pat & Kenna as they close their series on the 4 Horsemen, and get ready to embrace a more connected and joyful relationship!

Show Notes

If you need to catch up on the first 3 episodes of the Four Horsemen series:

  • Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that if criticism shows up in a conversation, there is a 96% chance that the conversation is going to devolve into conflict and that other Horsemen will subsequently show up.

  • Criticism is an ad hominem attack on a person’s identity or value, rather than critiquing their actions or requesting different behavior.

  • Examples include:

    • Exaggerated statements: “You never…” or “You always…”

    • Jokes about a partner’s flaws

    • “Should” language about amoral issues: “You should fold the laundry this way.”

    • Fixing what someone has done after the fact

    • Speaking with anger or sarcasm

  • The antidotes to Criticism include:

    1. Gentle Start-ups

    2. Positive Sentiment Override

    3. Clear, Objective, Behavioral Requests

  • The best Gentle Start-ups involve three steps:

    1. “I feel…”: Communicate how you’re feeling

    2. About what?: Specify the behavior that’s causing the feeling

    3. “I need…”: Share what you would like to change

Download this infographic of the
Four Horsemen below ⬇️

And just for fun, here are some of the songs referenced in the music edition of This Or That

Challenge By Choice

Practice using Gentle Start-ups

  • When you need to request changes or make complaints, use a gentle start-up as the antidote to contempt.

  • Avoid starting conversations with harsh start-ups like “Why do you…” or “We need to talk.”