Show Notes

Episode 80. The 4 C's of Healthy Conflict

Episode 80. The 4 C's of Healthy Conflict

"A mild answer turns back wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
~ Proverbs 15:1

Is it possible to fight fair?
How can someone who hates conflict approach it better?
How do you turn conflict into connection?

In this episode of This Whole Life, Pat and Kenna Millea dive deep into the heart of fighting well with the "Four Cs of Conflict." Drawing from real-life family stories, faith, and the practical tools of therapy, they lay out a step-by-step process to approach disagreements in healthier, more meaningful ways. You'll learn how to calm yourself, connect within before reaching out, recommit to the relationship—even in the heat of the moment—and finally address the real issues at hand. Whether it’s a kitchen squabble, challenges in marriage, or tough moments with friends, Pat and Kenna’s blend of humor and vulnerability offer hope and practical wisdom. Plus, they share their favorite “conflict hacks,” and recap why honest conflict can actually draw us closer. Tune in for encouragement, laughs, and a fresh approach to living faith and mental health in everyday difficulties.

Show Notes

  • Refer back to Episode 43, From Conflict that Connects: Process Over Content

  • Following these 4 C’s allows conflict to bring us closer together, not separate us

  • The 4 C’s of Conflict:

    • Calm

    • Connect

    • (re)Commit

    • Content

  • Calm: taking the time to calm myself and get back in my Window of Tolerance, back to being my true self, and ready to engage in conflict in a healthy and productive way

  • Connect: connecting within myself to understand what I’m feeling, what I need, and whether I’m ready to connect with this person with whom I disagree

  • (re)Commit: an outward statement that we’re going to approach this conflict differently this time

    • Something like: “I would like to be safe and close to you rather than distant, disconnected, alone, and afraid of what will happen. Can we try this again?”

  • Content: after the first 3 C’s, I’m finally ready to address the content of the issue in a healthy, productive way that connects and moves toward problem-solving

    • A helpful way to address the content: using the phrase “My 100% is…”

    • It helps me to express my hopes and desires while implicitly giving space for my loved one to express their desires and eventually come to a compromise & decision

Challenge By Choice

Rehearse a (re)Commit phrase, in your own words, for the next time you’re ready to re-enter a conflict in a healthy way

  • Some examples might be:

    • “I would like to be safe and close to you rather than distant, disconnected,

      alone, and afraid of what will happen. Can we try this again?”

    • “I care about our relationship and I don’t want to do something that will hurt or scare you and pull us deeper into conflict. Can we try this again?”

    • “I’d love it if you slow down with me so we can reconnect. We can always figure out what to do about the problem later, when we’ve self-soothed and our bodies and minds have returned to normal. Can we try this again?”

    • “I realize that when I’m wrapped up in my own needs and hurts and sense that I need to protect myself, I’m not thinking about you and how you feel. I’d like to shift into protecting you and us instead of just protecting me. Can we try this again?”

    • “I really want you to know how important you are to me, how much I care for you, and that I want to protect our marriage. Can we try this again?”

    • “I realize and take seriously that I have to trust you and also be trustworthy. Can we try this again?”

Reflection Questions

For personal reflection or group discussion

  1. What is one specific thing that stuck with you from this conversation?

  2. What is your usual approach to conflict? How does it serve you well, and how does it challenge your relationships?

  3. Have you experienced moments of conflict bringing your closer to someone? What made the difference?

  4. Which of the 4 C's stands out to you? Which C is something you need to work on?

  5. What phrase will you use to recommit to moments of conflict in a way that communicates your desire for connection?