Show Notes

Episode 80. The 4 C's of Healthy Conflict

Episode 80. The 4 C's of Healthy Conflict

“For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you received a spirit of adoption, through which we cry, ‘Abba, Father!’”
~ Romans 8:15

Why are so many fathers struggling?
Is it possible for fathers to live peaceful lives today?
How can a man change the world through his identity as a father?

In episode 79 of This Whole Life, Pat Millea sits down with Devin Schadt, founder and executive director of the Fathers of St. Joseph, to dive deep into the challenges and opportunities of Catholic fatherhood. Devin shares his personal journey, including a life-changing experience after his daughter’s health crisis that propelled him to embrace his vocation as a husband and father. The conversation covers topics such as the crisis of fatherhood, overcoming shame, the loneliness men often face, and the power of transformative relationships. Pat and Devin discuss the profound influence fathers have on families, the unique spirituality of St. Joseph, and practical steps men can take to become trustworthy fathers by first becoming trusting sons of God the Father. Fathers - and the people who love them - will walk away with inspiration, practical advice, and a renewed vision for integrating faith, mental health, and the incredible gift of fatherhood.

Show Notes

  • Refer back to Episode 43, From Conflict that Connects: Process Over Content

  • Following these 4 C’s allows conflict to bring us closer together, not separate us

  • The 4 C’s of Conflict:

    • Calm

    • Connect

    • (re)Commit

    • Content

  • Calm: taking the time to calm myself and get back in my Window of Tolerance, back to being my true self, and ready to engage in conflict in a healthy and productive way

  • Connect: connecting within myself to understand what I’m feeling, what I need, and whether I’m ready to connect with this person with whom I disagree

  • (re)Commit: an outward statement that we’re going to approach this conflict differently this time

    • Something like: “I would like to be safe and close to you rather than distant, disconnected, alone, and afraid of what will happen. Can we try this again?”

  • Content: after the first 3 C’s, I’m finally ready to address the content of the issue in a healthy, productive way that connects and moves toward problem-solving

    • A helpful way to address the content: using the phrase “My 100% is…”

    • It helps me to express my hopes and desires while implicitly giving space for my loved one to express their desires and eventually come to a compromise & decision

Challenge By Choice

Rehearse a (re)Commit phrase, in your own words, for the next time you’re ready to re-enter a conflict in a healthy way

  • Some examples might be:

    • “I would like to be safe and close to you rather than distant, disconnected,

      alone, and afraid of what will happen. Can we try this again?”

    • “I care about our relationship and I don’t want to do something that will hurt or scare you and pull us deeper into conflict. Can we try this again?”

    • “I’d love it if you slow down with me so we can reconnect. We can always figure out what to do about the problem later, when we’ve self-soothed and our bodies and minds have returned to normal. Can we try this again?”

    • “I realize that when I’m wrapped up in my own needs and hurts and sense that I need to protect myself, I’m not thinking about you and how you feel. I’d like to shift into protecting you and us instead of just protecting me. Can we try this again?”

    • “I really want you to know how important you are to me, how much I care for you, and that I want to protect our marriage. Can we try this again?”

    • “I realize and take seriously that I have to trust you and also be trustworthy. Can we try this again?”

Reflection Questions

For personal reflection or group discussion

  1. What is one specific thing that stuck with you from this conversation?

  2. How have your experiences with your own father, or your relationship with God the Father, influenced your approach to parenthood or relationships?

  3. What are the threats that face fathers today? What are the opportunities for them to impact the world for good?

  4. What are some practical steps that fathers and communities can take to combat male loneliness and foster deeper connections among men?

  5. How is St. Joseph a truly practical witness of sanity and sanctity in fatherhood?