Show Notes

Episode 82. Holy Sex part 1: The Great News About Sex

Episode 82. Holy Sex part 1: The Great News About Sex

"I belong to my lover, and my lover belongs to me; he feeds among the lilies."
~ Song of Solomon 6:3

Why isn't my sex life going the way I hoped it would?
How do I talk to my spouse about sex after we've gotten into ruts?
Is it possible to have more sex and better sex in our marriage?

In Episode 82 of This Whole Life, Kenna is joined by Vonda Tiede, LMFT and Daniel Merboth to kick off a powerful three-part series on “Holy Sex” in marriage. Together, they dig deep into the “good news” about sex from a faith-filled, psychologically-informed perspective. Through candid conversations, the trio explores the prevalent myths and cultural lies surrounding sex, the harms of "obligation sex", and the importance of mutuality, communication, and healing within intimacy. They highlight how a couple’s sexual relationship reflects God’s creative genius and the need for curiosity and grace—not shame or rigid expectations. With personal stories, practical insights, and a compassionate challenge for listeners to reimagine intimacy, this episode offers hope, encouragement, and a fresh perspective on cultivating joy and connection in marriage. Whether you’re newly married, have been married for years, or want to better support holy marriages, this episode invites you to approach sexuality as a sacred gift of love.

Vonda Tiede is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice in Minnesota. Vonda lives outside the Twin Cities of Minnesota with her husband, and together they have 6 children.

Daniel Merboth is currently pursuing a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy degree at the University of Wisconsin-Stout. Daniel lives in Minnesota with his wife and two children.

Show Notes

  • Common falsehoods about sex in marriage include:

    • Men have a higher libido than women ❌

    • Only men, and all men, struggle with lust ❌

    • Frequency of sex is the most important thing ❌

  • The beauty of a sex life in marriage is a reflection of God’s creative goodness

  • Our sexual relationship with our spouse isn’t the place that our worth comes from

    • Which is difficult to accept, because so often our identity is tied to our sexuality

  • “…sex, while it can be a place of connection, is not capable of fully satisfying your love needs.”

  • “Obligation sex” is when one spouse feels required to agree to sex at any given time for any number of reasons: they believe it’s their duty, they think it will guarantee a loving marriage, etc.

  • When “obligation sex” is part of a marriage:

    • Women are 18.6 times more likely to say that they could take it or leave it when it comes to sex

    • Women are 3.6 times less likely to believe that their opinions are just as important as their husband's

    • Women are 1.8 times more likely to experience vaginismus (painful sex)

  • On the other hand, women who believe that their voice matters in the marriage are nine times more likely to be satisfied with their amount of closeness.

  • The rates of obligation sex are higher in religious marriages.

  • “God doesn't say this is a function to do. He says, ‘this is an opportunity for the intimate relationship that I have designed’. And so that intimate relationship must be outside of sexuality in order for us to experience its fullness within sexuality.”

  • We have removed sex from its rightful, honorable place in certain ways, and we have elevated it and put it on this pedestal above all things when it comes to moral judgment.

  • “For godly sorrow produces a salutary repentance without regret, but worldly sorrow produces death.”

    • 2 Corinthians 7:10

  • Where did you learn that sex isn’t something you should talk about?

  • Check out Figuring It Out, an amazing live online course to help adults grow in the skills to live with healthy minds, relationships and habits

Challenge By Choice

Have two courageous and crucial conversations about sex:

  • Have a conversation with the Lord: what do you desire for your sexual relationship with your spouse? Get beyond simply the unitive and procreative purposes, get to the bigger picture of your hopes, dreams, desires, and intentions.

  • Then move to a conversation with your spouse about these things, being as authentic, courageous, and specific as possible

Reflection Questions

For personal reflection or group discussion

  1. What is one specific thing that stuck with you from this conversation?

  2. When and how did you learn to communicate about sex? What were you taught about conversations involving sex?

  3. What falsehoods and obstacles keep spouses from being joyfully connected in their sex life?

  4. What "great news" about sex did you draw from this episode?

  5. How can you move toward greater connection and closeness in your emotional and sexual relationships with your spouse?